The Rat Must Die!
by Venath
Summary: He didn't mind its gibberish. He didn't mind being shocked sometimes. He was annoyed when it stole his cigarettes. But when this "Pikachu" creature gave him a mocking grin as Samus hugged it to her chest, he knew. It was time for the rat to go.


Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Brothers, or any of the characters appearing in the story.

AN: Well, I'm not exceptionally familiar with the SSB world (Or all of the universes that the characters come from), so sorry if I get anything about the SSB story/world wrong…I'm hoping I won't though, since this fic focuses mostly on characters from the fandoms I'm familiar with. Also, I'm not that familiar with writing humor. I think I'm good at adding humor here and there in serious stories (Y'know, one-liners and that kind of thing), but I'm not sure how well I am at full-fledged humor stories, so I thought I'd give this a shot.

This story was inspired by the "SSBB Poor Snake…" comic by Ichigo-Cream on deviantart. Ichigo, if you're reading this, thanks again for letting me use the idea and some of the dialogue.

"Talking"

_Thoughts_

_**Non-English speak**_

* * *

This was the last straw. It was time.

He'd arrived at this bizarre world, for that's all he could think of to call the place that they lived between matches, just weeks earlier. He wasn't honestly certain how it had happened. One moment, he was preparing for some kind of top secret mission that he'd yet to be briefed on. The next, he was being blinded by a bright light. When he could see again, he was sitting in an odd mansion with a plethora of strange and unusual people, or in some cases creatures that he couldn't quite identify, wondering what the hell had just happened.

He'd been relieved to find his codec, and cigarettes, in perfect condition. Even more so when he received a call from Otacon, explaining their situation. Apparently there was some kind of strange, out-of-this-universe tournament coming up, and fighters from all corners of the universe, and a few other realities, were gearing up for the "games." Otacon had yet to inform him of exactly **how** they'd learned of this tournament, but he figured that if it was necessary, someone tell him eventually.

And so, he'd tried to continue life in his new temporary home during the week before the tournament would begin. Of course, as with anyone who has lived with a large number of people in a small place, there were those he'd come to dislike, and those he'd come to befriend. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that there were those he tolerated, and those he tolerated slightly more than the others. Either way, there were two of them had stood out among the rest.

The first was a woman, though he hadn't realized it until she'd finally taken off her armored suit and had taken to wearing something a little more curve-hugging, named Samus Aran. Some sort of bounty hunter, according to Otacon, though Snake still wasn't certain how he came upon this information. To put it simply, she was hot. And at the first opportunity, he'd attempted to hit on the woman. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to find his lines quite as inviting as he did.

She'd promptly broken his nose.

Naturally, this didn't deter him. No, if anything, Snake was more determined than ever to court the golden-haired goddess who'd proven to be as dangerous as she was beautiful. However, he was a quiet sort of man, and figured that since his poor social skills and oh-so-brilliant pickup lines (Including classics such as "How would you like to charge **my** plasma cannon, babe?" and "Mind if I inspect your cargo hangar?") weren't working, he should let his actions do the talking.

Of course, most of his attempts didn't work out the way he'd planned. First he'd tried all the clichés, which he'd never been fond of, but that girls supposedly enjoyed. He tried chocolates, flowers, music, dinner, and all sorts of things that were supposed to be "romantic." Unfortunately, and somewhat predictably, none of them ended up working. Though in the end, it was more often because someone interfered before he could get them to her than because she rejected the attempts.

So, after several days, a few scrapes and bruises, and developing an intense fear of plumbers, princesses, and oversized lizards, Snake was stumped. Sure, he'd had a decent enough relationship with Meryl for a while, but that was a bit different. For starters, they were from the same planet. But he wasn't put off. He knew that eventually he would capture her heart. He'd even made progress. She no longer mauled him when he tried to woo her, nor did she ignore him. She'd even become rather civil, and on occasion even friendly with him. Yes, he was quite pleased with the progress he'd made with deadly blonde.

However, there was another who stood out among the crowd of those he'd met during this event. A beast. A demon in disguise. A monster with no morals or remorse. A hellish creature holding unfathomable evil under its furry, cuddly, yellow exterior.

They called it Pikachu.

He loathed that rodent. It went to the ends of the earth to drive him into complete madness. At first, he'd simply thought it a normal animal that was simply curious and clumsy. So he didn't mind when it relentlessly hounded him with its ridiculous gibberish. He didn't mind the occasional shock. After all, he knew he would probably be getting electrocuted in the tournament, so if anything, he thought it might help him prepare himself more effectively. He'd even let it go when the little yellow rat had found him smoking, and stolen most of his cigarettes.

But now, a line had been crossed.

Oh yes, at first he'd thought it an unintelligent ball of fuzz that didn't realize how annoying it was. But not anymore. The creature followed him constantly. So it made sense that it would be aware of his growing infatuation with the bounty hunter. And while she only saw him as an acquaintance, like every other woman in the household, she thought this "Pikachu" thing was adorable.

So today, after the first match of the tournament and a particularly painful shock, while following him down the corridor, the devious little rodent acted as though it had hurt its leg in the fight. Samus rushed straight past him, and squeezed the little demon to her chest in a hug.

"Oh Pikachu, I'm so glad that you're safe...Don't worry, Samus will take care of you now!" At that point, he'd still been fine with things. Sure, he envied the little rat for being in that position, but it **was** just a senseless little animal that she thought was cute. He'd simply scoffed at it and ignored the situation, with nothing more than a curious thought crossing his mind.

_Damn lucky rat. Why's Samus so infatuated with that oversized rat anyways? I just don't get it._ It was then that something caught his eye. _Hey-Hold up!_

As her eyes closed, the little demon looked at him with a wicked grin full of pure, undiluted evil, and let loose a stream of that annoying gibberish that Snake just knew was aimed at him.

"_**Poor hairy man! Her boobies are like clouds! Nice and fluffeh! Are you jealous, hairy man!"**_

There were many things that Snake didn't understand about this world. He didn't understand the creatures in it. He didn't understand how their magic worked. He didn't understand several of their cultures. He didn't understand why or how they'd all managed to arrange this event, or how they all got here. He sure as heck didn't understand what that thing was saying. But when this "Pikachu" creature gave him a mocking grin as Samus hugged it to her chest, there was one thought that entered his mind.

_I don't know what the hell that rodent said, but I know that that rodent must die!_

And thus, the **real** games began.

* * *

AN: Well, what do you think? Like it, dislike it? Think it should continue, or should I leave it a oneshot (I don't think I really wrote it in a "oneshot style" though...)?


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